Endometriosis and the hell it brings

Do you know what it's like?

If you're a woman, imagine having period pain not only during menstruation but also the time in between. The pain of endometriosis is delibitating, y'all. I've always had menstrual pain but now, apart from the period pain, I get pelvic pain in between periods for a week at a time. So I'm in constant pain almost all the time except for a few days of lucky respite.

Forget panadol, they don't work. I have been prescribed a stronger medication but I don't want to be taking painkillers all the time.

I am depressed by this, I admit. When the pain hits, I worry, I become irritable and I prefer to spend my time in isolation. Then I worry even more when I realised that I'm not spending time with my babies. I feel guilty at not being able to run this household the way a housewife runs it. I feel guilty towards my husband and my children. I feel inadequate, weak, like a loser and ashamed.

That's what endometriosis is doing to me now...will this ever end?

Do you pray for others?

Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda yang bermaksud:

Doa seseorang Muslim untuk saudaranya yang dibuat di belakang mukanya (tanpa pengetahuan yang didoakan) adalah mustajab. Di kepalanya ada malaikat yang ditugaskan setiap kali dia berdoa untuk saudaranya dengan kebaikan. Malaikat yang ditugaskan itu berkata, "Amin, dan buat kamu adalah seperti itu juga".

(Hadis Riwayat Muslim)

Dalam hadis yang lain, Rasulullah bersabda yang bermaksud:

Tiada seorang Islam pun yang berdoa untuk saudaranya tanpa pengetahuannya, melainkan malaikat berkata kepadanya, "untuk kamu adalah seperti itu juga".

(Hadis Riwayat Muslim)

What this means is that, when you pray for a fellow muslim for health for instance, malaikat will also pray for your health. It's like you kill 2 birds with 1 stone lah. :-)

This is a very simple thing to do, isn't it? How many times have we heard of an imam leading the doa and praying for forgiveness for ibu-bapa, muslimin-muslimat yang telah meninggal etc. So the next time you recite a doa, think of others and pray for them as well cause you gain so much from it!

My resolutions

The year is coming to an end. Time for some resolutions. I don't normally bother about resolutions really cause I'd forget them as soon as I blink but this time...this time I'm adamant at making them and sticking to them. There's a reason for that. I am tired of living my life the way I do now. Not that my life sucks but it certainly can be improved!

So here they are in no particular order.

Resolution No. 1:
I'm switching to a healthier lifestyle. That means, no more junk food, no more oily food...err...ok lets get real. When I say "no more", that actually means that I will start cutting down gradually till it becomes second nature to avoid these food. Don't want to be too ambitious la kan? Kang tak jadi pulak azam ni.

What else? I want to start exercising (ni memang payah la ni but I have to do it). I want to start waking up earlier in the morning rather than snoozing sampai matahari dah sampai kat dahi! This means lepas solat subuh tak boleh tidur balik....terus bangun and live life!

Healthy lifestyle also means that I'm going to cut down on cursing and swearing either out loud or under my breath. This is good not just for me but also for the kids cause the last time I blurted out "bodoh" while driving, one of them kids (the eldest who's 2+) started using that word too! Aiiieeee!!! What have I done?

Resolution no. 2:
I want to improve spiritually. I want to become a better Muslim in every way I can, so God help me, please. I'm not getting any younger and I know there is a hadith that says that by the time one reaches the age of 40 and still hasn't repented from one's sins, one will not enter jannah. Ok, for those of you above 40 and still partying, don't get deterred by this hadith la. Just remember that Allah is merciful and a oft-forgiving. It's still not too late to turn over a new leaf. Just remember that it's too late to repent/taubat only when nyawa dah sampai ke halkum. (literally translated, it means when one's life is already at one's neck on his deathbed)

So in keeping with this resolution, InsyaAllah, I will no longer delay solat and most importantly, I will no longer miss it. I want to repent as much I can by way of solat taubat, repaying my missed solat (memang banyak and I only hope that Allah has mercy on me for my carelessness and ignorance in past times) and repaying my missed puasa. I want to be more charitable in the hope that it will help erase my sins in the past. Truly, I had been a bad girl *shame*

Resolution no. 3:
I want to become a better person to everyone. A better wife, better daughter, better mother, friend, neighbour, etc. I hope to better able to control my temper cause I know it's syaitan's doing and I don't want to let him win. I want to be a happier person, that's my aim.

There. My resolutions for 2008 and beyond. InsyaAllah...

Kalau hati dah kotor

So the past few days have been an emotional turmoil in yours truly's mind. A lot of "why"s and "how"s and more "why"s.

Bukan nak kata aku ni baik sangat but sometimes, I just can't understand how some people can resort to doing the things they do. Aku tau motif utama dia is dengki. From what I can see, she has a lot to be thankful for and kalau siapa2 nak dengki, rasanya aku lagi layak dengki kat dia.

She married a pilot who earns more than RM20k a month. She didn't have to struggle to bear children...while I waited 7 years to bear a child (siapa yang pernah lalui apa yang aku lalui tentu faham sangat2). She has a very lovely home, kalau tak, takkan la ada majalah interior design datang amik gambar kan? She has 4 lovely children whom I love so dearly sebab diorang tu anak sedara aku.

So why then does she hate me so much? Aku dah lama tau that she's been telling people all kinds of bad things about me...some of which are just plain fitnah but aku pekakkan telinga aje. Ye la, die dengan aku dulu satu sekolah, tentu la we know each other quite well although we were never close friends pun. But when she resorted to pakai guna-guna untuk tundukkan abang aku...speechless aku dibuatnya, cuma airmata je mengalir.

Aku tau, keluarga dia tak sukakan keluarga aku (sedangkan dulu mak die yang terhegeh-hegeh nak kawinkan die dengan abang aku) sebab kami ni cuma keluarga yang sederhana. Mak-bapak aku pesara kerajaan, pencen pun tak banyak mana, duduk pulak di kampung. Tapi kalau tak suka pun, takkan la sampai guna sihir. Tak takut ke dosa syirik? Aku takut...

Before I start...

Yet another blog from yours truly under yet another pseudonym. I can't help it la. It's really simple... I just want a place to speak my mind without having to face the consequences for it. Wait...that doesn't sound quite what I meant he he he. Not that I'm a coward who wants to run away from taking responsibility for my actions. Far from it. Don't judge me yet, ok?

Look at it this way. Suppose you are so pissed off with your brother's wife but you can't write it on your current (do you really think I'd link ka?) blog which existence is known by most of your relatives (including your brother's wife!). What do you do? You go undercover and create a secret blog! Sounds like the most logical thing to do right? Right?

Let this be the place for me to let off some steam if need be and share some thoughts whenever I feel philosophical.

Join me, don't judge me. Happy reading!